some jokes
03-Mar-2004, 11:17 AM
#1
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: on a race track
Posts: 17,846
some jokes
well here's 2 jokes I just got in my email I thought they were funny enough to share esspecially the second one:
joke 1:
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head
of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she
was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied,
"Cause you're ugly."
joke 2:
Marital Bliss For those who think the grass is greener
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. He wanted to continue living in their downtown luxury apartment with his new lover so he asked his wife to move out and get another place. His wife agreed to this, provided that he would give her 3 days alone at the apartment to pack up her things
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she> had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the half-eaten shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the apartment began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive carpet. Finally, they could not take it any longer and decided to move.
They could not find a buyer for their stinky apartment so they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking> everything to their new home . . .including the curtain rods.
joke 1:
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head
of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she
was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied,
"Cause you're ugly."
joke 2:
Marital Bliss For those who think the grass is greener
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. He wanted to continue living in their downtown luxury apartment with his new lover so he asked his wife to move out and get another place. His wife agreed to this, provided that he would give her 3 days alone at the apartment to pack up her things
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she> had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the half-eaten shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the apartment began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive carpet. Finally, they could not take it any longer and decided to move.
They could not find a buyer for their stinky apartment so they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking> everything to their new home . . .including the curtain rods.
03-Mar-2004, 02:00 PM
#4
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: In a JDM world
Posts: 3,462
haha
not bad
here's a couple more
A man walked into a Wal-Mart and the Greeter said, Automotive,aisle 15. The man asked,How did you know I was here to get oil? The Greeter replied,That's my job. Another man walked in and the Greeter said,Sporting Goods,aisle 28.The man asked,How did you know I wanted fishing supplies? The Greeter replied,That's my job. A woman walked in and the Greeter said,Tampons,aisle 5. The woman said,No,I'm here for hemorrhoid medicine. The Greeter said,DAMN,I MISSED IT BY AN INCH!!!
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs
some cyanide. The pharmacist said, " Why in the world do you need
cyanide?
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the
pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, " Well now, you
didn't tell me you had a prescription."
A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and ask his grandma,Where's Mom and Dad? and she replied,"They're up and bed." The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play.He then came back in for lunch and asked his grandma, Where's Mom and Dad ?and she replied "They're still up in bed." Again the little boy started to giggle and went out to play..Later the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma,Where's Mom and Dad?and his grandmother replied,"They're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh and his grandma asked,"What Gives?" Every time I tell you they're up in bed you start to laugh.What's going on here? The little boy replied,well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him my super glue!
not bad
here's a couple more
A man walked into a Wal-Mart and the Greeter said, Automotive,aisle 15. The man asked,How did you know I was here to get oil? The Greeter replied,That's my job. Another man walked in and the Greeter said,Sporting Goods,aisle 28.The man asked,How did you know I wanted fishing supplies? The Greeter replied,That's my job. A woman walked in and the Greeter said,Tampons,aisle 5. The woman said,No,I'm here for hemorrhoid medicine. The Greeter said,DAMN,I MISSED IT BY AN INCH!!!
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs
some cyanide. The pharmacist said, " Why in the world do you need
cyanide?
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the
pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, " Well now, you
didn't tell me you had a prescription."
A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and ask his grandma,Where's Mom and Dad? and she replied,"They're up and bed." The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play.He then came back in for lunch and asked his grandma, Where's Mom and Dad ?and she replied "They're still up in bed." Again the little boy started to giggle and went out to play..Later the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma,Where's Mom and Dad?and his grandmother replied,"They're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh and his grandma asked,"What Gives?" Every time I tell you they're up in bed you start to laugh.What's going on here? The little boy replied,well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him my super glue!
no offense intended to the ladies here.
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