When you have to poo at work (funny)
24-Oct-2003, 11:42 AM
#1
Registered User
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Pickering
Posts: 96
When you have to poo at work (funny)
What Happens When I'm At WORK and I have to Poop?
>
>
>We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
>
>in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As
>
>much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
>
>For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give
>
>you the.........
>
>Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.
>
>Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure
>
>pleasure.
>
>ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
>forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
>panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when
>passing an unseen police car & speeding. If you release an escapee, do
>not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next
>to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one
>likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
>laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
>
>JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing a poop,
>several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side
>effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic,
>remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare
>everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
>
>COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone
>of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
>undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has
>to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the
>WALK OF SHAME.
>
>
>WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
>you have just stunk-up the *******. This can be a very uncomfortable
>moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best
>to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of
>a COURTESY FLUSH.
>
>
>OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn
>proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the
>bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look
>around the office for the Out OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the
>bathroom.
>
>
>THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): This is a group of coworkers who band
>
>
>together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
>group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET
>POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
>
>
>SAFE HAVEN: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
>can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
>opposite sex. This will reduce the kinds of a pooper of your sex
>entering the bathroom.
>
>
>TURD BURGLAR: A pooper who does not realize that you're in the stall and
>tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
>vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this
>occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you
>will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. TURD BURGLARS have been know
>
>to cause premature pinchage, which inevitably causes you to pinch one
>off in the middle.
>
>
>CAMO-COUGH: A phoney cough which alerts all new entrants into the
>bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
>WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used
>in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
>
>
>ASTAIRE: This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential
>TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
>that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom
>immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
>
>
>WATERMELON: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
>water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON
>coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
>
>
>HAVANA OMELETTE: A load of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud
>splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using
>a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
>
>
>UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
>spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
>pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
>you should always wait to drop your load when the Bathroom is empty.
>This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
>
>
>FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in,
>check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
>come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
>become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
>
>
>
>
>DEFINITIONS OF Poop
>
>
>* GHOST Poop: The kind where you feel the Poop come out, but there is no
>Poop in the toilet.
>
>* CLEAN Poop: The kind where you Poop it out, see it in the toilet, but
>there is nothing on the paper.
>
>* WET Poop: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still
>feels un-wiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt
>and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain.
>
>* SECOND WAVE Poop: This happens when you're done Pooping and you've
>pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to
>Poop some more.
>
>* POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD-Poop: The kind where you strain so much to
>get it out, you practically have a stroke.
>
>* LINCOLN LOG Poop: The kind of Poop that is so huge you're afraid to
>flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet
>brush.
>
>* GASSY Poop: It's so noisy, everyone within earshot giggles.
>* DRINKER Poop: The kind of Poop you have the morning after a night of
>drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of
>the toilet.
>
>* CORN Poop: (Self-explanatory)
>
>* GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-Poop-Poop: The kind where you want to Poop, but all
>you do is set on the toilet and fart a few times.
>* SPINAL TAP Poop: This is when it hurts so badly coming out you'd swear
>it was leaving you sideways.
>
>* WET CHEEKS Poop: (The Power Dump). The kind that comes out of your
>butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
>
>* LIQUID Poop: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your
>butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
>
>* MEXICAN Poop:It smells so badly that your nose burns.
>
>* UPPER CLASS Poop: The kind of Poop that has no odour.
>
>* THE SURPRISE Poop: You are not at the toilet because you think you are
>about to fart but...oops...a Poop!!!
>*THE DANGLING Poop: This Poop refuses to drop into the toilet even
>though you know you are done Pooping it. You just pray that a shake or
>two will cut it loose
>
> _____
>
>Happy Pooping!!!
>
>
>We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
>
>in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As
>
>much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
>
>For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give
>
>you the.........
>
>Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.
>
>Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure
>
>pleasure.
>
>ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
>forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
>panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when
>passing an unseen police car & speeding. If you release an escapee, do
>not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next
>to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one
>likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
>laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
>
>JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing a poop,
>several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side
>effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic,
>remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare
>everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
>
>COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone
>of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
>undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has
>to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the
>WALK OF SHAME.
>
>
>WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
>you have just stunk-up the *******. This can be a very uncomfortable
>moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best
>to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of
>a COURTESY FLUSH.
>
>
>OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn
>proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the
>bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look
>around the office for the Out OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the
>bathroom.
>
>
>THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): This is a group of coworkers who band
>
>
>together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
>group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET
>POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
>
>
>SAFE HAVEN: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
>can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
>opposite sex. This will reduce the kinds of a pooper of your sex
>entering the bathroom.
>
>
>TURD BURGLAR: A pooper who does not realize that you're in the stall and
>tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
>vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this
>occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you
>will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. TURD BURGLARS have been know
>
>to cause premature pinchage, which inevitably causes you to pinch one
>off in the middle.
>
>
>CAMO-COUGH: A phoney cough which alerts all new entrants into the
>bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
>WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used
>in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
>
>
>ASTAIRE: This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential
>TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
>that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom
>immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
>
>
>WATERMELON: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
>water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON
>coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
>
>
>HAVANA OMELETTE: A load of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud
>splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using
>a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
>
>
>UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
>spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
>pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
>you should always wait to drop your load when the Bathroom is empty.
>This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
>
>
>FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in,
>check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
>come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
>become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
>
>
>
>
>DEFINITIONS OF Poop
>
>
>* GHOST Poop: The kind where you feel the Poop come out, but there is no
>Poop in the toilet.
>
>* CLEAN Poop: The kind where you Poop it out, see it in the toilet, but
>there is nothing on the paper.
>
>* WET Poop: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still
>feels un-wiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt
>and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain.
>
>* SECOND WAVE Poop: This happens when you're done Pooping and you've
>pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to
>Poop some more.
>
>* POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD-Poop: The kind where you strain so much to
>get it out, you practically have a stroke.
>
>* LINCOLN LOG Poop: The kind of Poop that is so huge you're afraid to
>flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet
>brush.
>
>* GASSY Poop: It's so noisy, everyone within earshot giggles.
>* DRINKER Poop: The kind of Poop you have the morning after a night of
>drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of
>the toilet.
>
>* CORN Poop: (Self-explanatory)
>
>* GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-Poop-Poop: The kind where you want to Poop, but all
>you do is set on the toilet and fart a few times.
>* SPINAL TAP Poop: This is when it hurts so badly coming out you'd swear
>it was leaving you sideways.
>
>* WET CHEEKS Poop: (The Power Dump). The kind that comes out of your
>butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
>
>* LIQUID Poop: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your
>butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
>
>* MEXICAN Poop:It smells so badly that your nose burns.
>
>* UPPER CLASS Poop: The kind of Poop that has no odour.
>
>* THE SURPRISE Poop: You are not at the toilet because you think you are
>about to fart but...oops...a Poop!!!
>*THE DANGLING Poop: This Poop refuses to drop into the toilet even
>though you know you are done Pooping it. You just pray that a shake or
>two will cut it loose
>
> _____
>
>Happy Pooping!!!
24-Oct-2003, 03:40 PM
#11
Senior Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Ontario
Posts: 18,367
The washroom at work is the most clean washroom you could find. There are people cleaning it every night so it is always fresh and clean. Just wipe it a little and enjoy the fun of dropping off your kids at the pool.
24-Oct-2003, 10:25 PM
#17
Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Hamilton, Ontario
Posts: 1,223
hahahaahah that was great, its so true to!!!
cept today we have a bastard in the washroom i was doing an emergancy poop, guy comes in and starts talking to me hes like whos that in there im like of jesus no no no do not talk to me....
then the son of a bitch took water in his hands and threw it over the door
damnit, dont these people know to leave the bathroom when someone is in there!!!!1 
cept today we have a bastard in the washroom i was doing an emergancy poop, guy comes in and starts talking to me hes like whos that in there im like of jesus no no no do not talk to me....
then the son of a bitch took water in his hands and threw it over the door
damnit, dont these people know to leave the bathroom when someone is in there!!!!1
25-Oct-2003, 11:38 AM
#19
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2002
Posts: 12,906
Originally posted by Biggy
hahahaahah that was great, its so true to!!!
cept today we have a bastard in the washroom i was doing an emergancy poop, guy comes in and starts talking to me hes like whos that in there im like of jesus no no no do not talk to me....
then the son of a bitch took water in his hands and threw it over the door damnit, dont these people know to leave the bathroom when someone is in there!!!!1
hahahaahah that was great, its so true to!!!
cept today we have a bastard in the washroom i was doing an emergancy poop, guy comes in and starts talking to me hes like whos that in there im like of jesus no no no do not talk to me....
then the son of a bitch took water in his hands and threw it over the door
damnit, dont these people know to leave the bathroom when someone is in there!!!!1
what you need is a little water gun then you can spray him in the groin and it'll look like he soiled himself
